Getting personal
Today’s post is more personal than my others, but I expect there to be a connection to archives somewhere in it.
My most recent break-up has resulted in a deposit of my crap in my small apartment that is already crammed with my kids’ toys and my own clutter. I’m forced to go through all this stuff and decide what to do with it. Unfortunately, I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff from deaths…. I inherited a ton of my grandmother’s furniture, a fair amount of my mom’s clothes and jewelry, and mostly nostalgic stuff like records and photos and old work tapes from my dad’s jobs in radio. Today I found my dad’s diary form the year I turned seven, which, up till now, I had left unopened. I had actually forgotten about it, and finding it was definitely a HOLY SHIT moment. From it I learned that my dad was just as square as I remember him, and as devoted to me as I thought he was…and actually really pretty depressed and lonely. In one entry he describes his terrible guilt about yelling at me when I was crying about swallowing a lifesaver and deciding to never do that again. Throughout, he obsessed about money but seemed to eat out every day…hmm. It was rather strange to see it all written down, confirming what I remember from my childhood and bringing him back to life in a sense. In a way, it’s like I’m having the conversations that I’ve felt like I’ve missed. I wish I had diaries from more years.
So, what is the point, other than revealing to the world a bit of my personal life? To me this drives home a few archives-related points…1) This kind of stuff is important; I definitely have a clearer sense of my own history and where I come from. It makes me want to write more down so that my kids can have their own HOLY SHIT moments someday. 2) Fear is powerful; I’ve come across this diary a few times over the past 20 years, but hadn’t even glanced at it for fear of discovering something painful about my past. 3) It’s easy to lose sight of the importance of history. I don’t ever want to forget this experience.
When the super fabulous Jim Carmichael talked to us SLISers, he asked the question, Why do we need an LGBT history? It seems like a question that just requires the answer, “well, duh.” But sometimes getting hit hard with your own history makes it all the more concrete.
On a much lighter note, I just finished a run from my apartment in Eagle Heights to the Union and back along the Lakeshore Path. Awesome. Not all that big of a feat considering the Mad City Marathon was going on today, but still. I passed a friendly lesbian couple, followed by a handsome hetero-looking pair of men. I’m pretty sure they were all checking me out…ha! Dare to dream, right?
Tags: archives, diaries, history, Lakeshore Path, me, running
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May 26, 2008 at 4:12 am
Hi there. I’ve been searching through blogs for “Madison Marathon” as I ran my first half-marathon today. You had the search words, so here I am. : )
And what a pleasant surprise. I really enjoyed this entry. My passionate avocation is teaching personal development workshops (www.lightly.com) and a lot of it looks back at our past for the painful experiences that get in our way today. It was unique and refreshing for me to hear an account of the kind of documentation you mention in your dad’s journal.
I scanned through a few of your other entries. Your “duh” response to the question of why have GLBT studies is right on. And yes, I do also agree that so much of our society is based on heterosexism (my words, not yours).
Good on ya for taking a run today! Every time I saw someone running who wasn’t in the race, I kept thinking: join us–it’s fun!
I wish you the best.
Jay